Confessions?  Or changes?
Realizations!  Another side of the coin...
7/21/2000

So much has happened since I last wrote...  I wonder if anyone's listening...  Regardless, it's bursting out of me so to calm my nerves I have to write it.

I used to think I knew what I wanted.....and I used to think that it was *all* about the dominance, the power, the almost violent lustful intensity. Now...

Now I think differently.

Strangely, I've been discovering something deeper...more profound...more true to who I am.  Or is it only that I'm changing - evolving with time?  I don't know.  This last week has been so intense!

Do you want to know the true root of a woman's lust?  Do you want to know what women really want, what really turns them on?  Do you want women to want to give themselves over to you?  Maybe reading this will be your window in.

I was given an opportunity to live out my violent desires.  My equal, he wanted nothing more than to dominate me sexually.  It gave me the temporary sex I craved, yet it left me feeling empty; a void.  It was purely physical, and purely for the fun, but yet it left me feeling used and depleted.  It left an ache in my heart for a kind of TLC he was incapable of giving me - even when I asked for it.

Then I met another, a giving lover who *could* play the role when he wanted, but who also actually demonstrated care and giving -- a lover so generous, it almost reached the brink of insanity.  I thrived on it.  I wanted to fill his every fantasy.  But more, I relished learning that someone could emotionally understand me and care - CARE - for ME - and that this caring could be expressed in our play.  Love was not meant to be.  But what he taught me had been so fulfilling, so rewarding, that I reached a point of no return.  I realized that somehow, this was closer to what I really wanted.  I couldn't put my finger on it.  And although we parted ways, he gave me a gift I can never repay.

So for the last two months, I'd been seeking this balance - a balance between the physical play and the emotional caring - a giver who takes.  I'd questioned my desire for emotional caring.  I thought that to desire the emotional was to be "weak", or "incomplete".   I finally concluded that it's not a need.  I *can* live without it.  Just not the same way.  I crave emotional caring.  It's simply a deep craving - a craving for a suppliment - one that when I have it, I am calmer.  I am a different woman.  It's what I honestly want.

Then last week I received an email from a member on the site.   He's a gentle man, a soft man.  He's a giving man.  He calls himself 'simple'.  Yet behind his giving exterior, he is clearly relentless.  He is unstoppable.  He reminds me of a glaciers movement - imperceptible, yet carving the landscape, moving mountains, an invisible force in earth-shattering motion.  I've never met him, but I can smell him.  Under his Jeckyl, his Hyde rages, seeking his next prey.  He's a sexual animal camouflaged under the guise of a gentle, giving lamb.   

And for this, he excites me. 

His lamb calms me, soothes me, lulls me into blind comfort.  I want to relax with him, I want to close my eyes, to choose to let down my guard.  I find myself wanting to be next to him.  And yet my instinct knows that his fangs are waiting; I know Dracula lurks in the shadows, waiting to take from me all he wants to fill his hunger.  I know that in my lulled relaxation, I could not stop him.  I know *he* could not be stopped, even if I wanted him to.  I realize (to my own horror)   I don't really want to stop him - only my 'good girl image' (my shell) wants to stop him.  Knowing this frightens me, yet his calm soothing hypnotizes me, draws me to him.  His generously giving exterior calls to me, pulls me, intrigues me -- like a kitten to an outstretched hand.  I find myself wanting, wanting to make myself available to him, wanting to kneel helpless at his doorstep, wanting to give myself over to his tenderness...even though I know he'd eventually have his way with me. 

Seeing me this way scares me.  He scares me in a way that excites me.

I'd seen "Jekyll and Hyde" just last week - the one with John Malkovich and Julia Roberts.  I'd desired the man, ached for him.  I'd wanted Hyde to take Marie, to pour his lust into her.  I'd wanted Jekyll to admit his true love, his true desire, his truest nature:  the man who cared for her so deeply, yet also would just as easily ravage her body in lustful desire.

Then, this last weekend my giving ex-lover shared his secrets with me - the way he perceived me.  The way he saw my deepest truths.  What he communicated to me rang so true it hurt:

"I sense you're running from something.  Everything - everything from your childhood.  Everything in your 'now' is in a direct attempt to counter your youth.  I sense you were a victim then, weak and defenseless and no one cared for you, so now you try to be strong and untouchable...you try to hide the little girl.  I sense that you had nothing then, so you've built your whole life to create everything you want.  But the problem is that most deeply, what you really want is for someone to come take care of you.  Your pride stops you - doesn't allow you to admit it, and you run and hide from it, maintaining your defenses.  But in your running, you've created an impenetrable shell that no one dares to break through.   And so you're left alone." 

He was right. 

And in learning, I want to explore and heal it.  I'm tired of being alone.  I'm  tired of running.

So here is my confession - the best as I can describe it. 

How many of us (women) appear strong, hard, unapproachable on the outside -- the shells we created to counteract life's trials?  How many of us, those same strong, independent, un-needy women, are then left feeling deeply alone?  Alone?   Our lives are the product of our own defenses.

So this is my truth: 

I want to be *allowed* to be weak. 

Of course, I want to be known for my capacity to be strong    But to be *allowed* to be weak, and to be desired and cared for, even in the face of my vulnerable side, this is what I want the most deeply.

I want to be *allowed* to be weak.  And to be loved for it.   (for ALL sides of me.  including this one)

Outside I seem independant?  Inside I am alone. 

Outside I seem in control?  Inside I'm a fragile girl longing for a tender touch of desire.

And the vulnerable girl that's hiding?  She wants what everyone wants -- to be loved.  To be cared for.  To be desired.  Wanted.

This is why bondage excites me - I don't have to hide from my weakness, I don't have to pretend it doesn't exist.  Within the bonds I can't deny at all that I am weak.  I have no choice; I'm free to live in the moment of my vulnerability.

This is why I search for strength in men -- what men have the strength to desire me, even in the face of my vulnerability - my deepest secret?   What man has the ability to break through my outer shell, and still want to take me?

This is why I seek a man who seems stronger than I --- he needs to be capable of outwitting my defenses.  My shell has become thick with years of practice.

This is why I seek the intensity of being overcome by a man.    Maintaining my pride, I can simply say he overpowered me, or I can blame the bonds for my vulnerability.  It's not "really" me.  I don't have to admit my truth.

Dr. Jekyll and my dear friend have shown me that there *are* men who desire the vulnerablity in a woman.  These bats seek the nighttime prey of her fragile spirit, yet at the same time can view and laugh at her apparent daytime strength.   These men enjoy the advantage of a woman's weakness, relish giving pleasure, knowing that the more they give, the more power they have to take.  They are so nurturing, caring and giving, that they ultimately maintain their opportunities to be relentless another day with the same prey.  In being generous, they ultimately serve their most selfish desires.

How deliciously clever.

So now I'm seeing the truth behind what I seek.  I'm seeking Count Dracula.  I want to close my eyes, I want to relax.  I want to be weak.   I want to be afraid, but to be taken care of.   I want to be gently lulled into baring my neck, slipping the gown down from my shoulders, and unlocking my window.  I want to be given to, knowing that in return, I will not be able to stop you from taking from me as you wish.

Please be gentle with me.